Thursday, October 10, 2013

Skinny: My Worst Friend

We live in society were being petite and skinny is considered beautiful. There are hundreds of "diets" to lose weight and everyone seems wants to be the ideal number of "0".

Don't even get me started on the America's sizing systems for jeans, I personally think we should adopt the UK's sizing system. But that is a rant for a different day.

I am skinny. I'm more than skinny, I'm underweight. Through out my whole life I have always been very skinny. I could eat and eat and eat and not gain a single pound. I had so many people come up to me to say how lucky I was, when in reality I hated eating so much. It made me feel like an outcast.

Let me tell you about my life of being skinny. I'm 5'4 and when I'm healthy I weigh a 104lbs, which makes my BMI 17.8. Any BMI below 18.5 is considered underweight. When I'm sick, I easily drop to 99 pounds which makes my BMI 17.

So whats the big deal? I'm a few pounds below average, it shouldn't matter that much. Well it does. I'll talk about the emotional affects it has on me first. While I was in middle school, people used to call me anorexic. Everyone was going through their awkward body changes and gaining weight and I remained the same. The same thing happened in high school as well, but more as a joking manner. People would tell me to gain a couple of pounds or eat a couple of burgers. I become very self conscious on how I looked.  I didn't like clothes that was close to my body or emphasized how tiny I was. I didn't like wearing bikinis because I was embarrassed of my ribcage and spine sticking out. When my doctors pointed out how my collar bones should be protruding so much, I become self conscious about that too.  In a society were everyone wanted to be super skinny, I just wanted to gain a couple of pounds so I looked normal and healthy.

As I got sicker when I got older, everyone seemed to emphasized how I looked like I lost weight. Sometimes I had and sometimes I was the same. I know they were only concerned, but it made feel worse about myself. All I thought was, I look sick.

I love to shop for clothes like any other girl in the world. But sometimes I would leave the mall almost in tears because nothing would fit because I am too small.  A double zero is way to tight but a zero was usually to big. The XS shirts were immensely tight and too short and the S shirts were still baggy. I normally wore my clothes on the baggier side because that was the only thing close to fitting me. When I had to start looking in the women's sections to find professional clothes, nothing in the pants department fit. I was wearing a double zero with still a inch gap in the back.

Being underweight also affects my health. There is such a huge correlation to good weight with high lung function, and I can't even manage to hit the normal BMI range. I have doctors up my butt making sure I put a few more pounds on. No matter how much food I force down my throat, I will not gain a single pound.  I'm also a naturally a petite eater and my family is also naturally very skinny. I've been offered a feeding tube many times in my life. I've also denied each request by my doctors. The idea of receiving night feedings creeps me out.

Being skinny is my worst friend, but I also learned to accept that I am perfect the way I am. I continue to try and gain weight (my goal is 115lbs!), so hopefully one doctors will stop bugging me about my weight.

Psalm 139, He wants us to understand His intentional design and reflect His glory, by loving the way He made all of the unchangeable features of ours lives.


  1. <3 Awesome blog :) I'm praying for you, Ashley! And I hope you're doing well! Love you!

  2. I think you have a perfect body, the body God gave you. I love that you closed with a reference to Psalm 139, one of, if not my most, favorite of the Psalms. When I was going through cancer treatment and was very sick and weak, my mother would come to my bedside and read this Psalm to me. <3